Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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