mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
someone get that fucking seahorse.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
