The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
The power of my boobs compel you
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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