M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
