afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
