Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
