Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
