God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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