??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Randomize
