I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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