just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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