P.S. I can't hear my feet
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
