Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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