Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
