I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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