Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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