I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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