Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
In America we eat man semen.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
