ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
