I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
