i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
