I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
