So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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