just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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