Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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