I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
