it wasn't lemon gatorade
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
