i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
