All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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