Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
