That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
