Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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