I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
