when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need water and some morals
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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