Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
