I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize