TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
