Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
