he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
