Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
