Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
