I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
