I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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