Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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