he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
