Have you finally orgasmed yet?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
