i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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