Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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