sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
