Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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