Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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