Umm I'm too high to move.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
