Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
false alarm, still single
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