Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
