I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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