you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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