Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
My vagina just clenched in fear
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
