A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
