You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
