He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
