did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
