wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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