it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize