just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
