shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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