i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
