you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
