the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
